Påsken, den ensammaste högtiden

Så länge jag minns har påsken fått mig att känna mig lite melankolisk till sinnes. Kanske det är för att en halv värld samlas till en högtid och en serie ritualer och framför allt en samvaro som jag aldrig kommer att vara en del av.

Men kanske det också är för att jag vet att de flesta av dem som nu firar påskens mirakel aldrig heller kommer att känna det som jag känner, se det som jag ser, uppleva världen som jag upplever den. Aldrig kommer vi att höra varandras musik och se solnedgången med den andres ögon. Eller?

Jag skrev för flera år sen ett inlägg i en Facebookgrupp om det här, eller någonting ditåt i alla fall. En amerikansk grupp för ateister och andra gudlösa. Inklusive ignostikerna, min egen lilla referensgrupp som jag har börjat känna mig alltmer som hemma i.

Anyway, så här skrev jag, på engelska. Jag har inte energin till att översätta det just nu, sorry about that.

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As I grow older I feel the slow pulse of the seasons, the steady, ancient rhythm of light and darkness ebbing and flowing, the tide of life advancing and retreating to its beat.

I sense the majestic, glacial movements of an entire planet beneath me as it slowly turns from night to day, bound to its parent star by gravity in the dance of aeons, oblivious to our tiny forms living out their mayfly-like busy existence.

I see the rainclouds roll in from the sea, bearing within their ghostlike shapes the lifeblood of all living things; water, completing yet one of its endless set of cycles, providing its life restoring power to the growing, breathing things which depend on it, before returning to the sea once more.

I sense the receding warmth of the early september sun and the sheer magnificence of its mighty form; it’s not just a pale disc behind a veil of autumn mist, but a fully operational G-class main sequence hydrogen-fusing star, its planetary children amounting to only 0.14 percent of the solar system family’s combined mass.

I even like to imagine sensing the unfathomably slow turning of the mighty island of light which is our home galaxy, the Milky Way, its several hundred billion individual fusion-powered beacons mere sprinkles of stardust in its imperceptibly huge 100,000 lightyear-spanning disc.

Our own galaxy in turn is, of course, merely one of billions and billions of galaxies rushing away from each other, widening the intergalactic chasms to the point where, one day in the almost impossibly far future, the star islanders of the once relatively close galactic neighbours lose sight of each other altogether.

The awareness of all these things fill me with awe and humility, and I feel a deep sense of joy and thankfulness for being lucky enough to win the grand prize in the ancient lottery of life; to be able to exist, however briefly and, on top of it all, to belong to a species evolved enough to ponder the mystery of existence. And to pass this incredible knowledge on to my children.

And then I’m told that I, as an atheist, live a sad, isolated, meaningless life devoid of spirituality and with nothing but my certain death to look forward to in life. A Christian person tells me this online. One more of those Facebook discussions which I can’t seem to avoid getting dragged into.

”If you say so”, I type with a sigh and close the lid of the laptop.

It is a crisp, fragrant autumn’s evening by the sea, at the end of a day full of vivid colours and ethereal light, the eastern sky fading softly into the deepening dark velvet pierced by ancient starlight, most of which left its stars long before I was born.

I pour myself a mug of steaming hot chocolate to keep me warm while I go out into the chilly night air to catch the sun’s last rays reflecting from the sea as the glowing orb of hydrogen fire settles behind the forest of the neighboring island west of us.

Publicerat av

marcusrosenlund

Vetenskapsjournalist, allmän pratmakare och inbiten fotoentusiast.

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